The Struggle
by RISING FLURRY
Summary: Because there is a long process before you wake up one day with an eating disorder. Alfred can tell you that. Human AU Anorexic/Bulimic!America


A/N:Sorry ahead of time for any run on sentences or grammar mistakes. It's been such a long time since I've published anything on fanfiction but I'm back!

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It starts with the same promise every morning after being disappointed with the reflection in the mirror. I will control myself today.

Alfred always keeps his promise for the first half of day because with a model following him through his first three classes, he finds it difficult to forget how disgusting he is. He feels humiliated looking at the model that is Ludwig because to Alfred Ludwig is the essence of a perfect human being. Does the German even have to try or does it just come naturally? He wonders how often the blonde works out and what he eats and soon is encompassed in wanting nothing more than to be perfect too. Alfred's hands always at some point in the morning find themselves enveloped around his abdomen, encompassing the fat that seems to expand each passing day. He doesn't know when the fat first appeared but he's so ashamed. He wishes he could just be Ludwig; the boy girls fling themselves at, the boy with the best track record, the boy so much better than him. He overhears Ludwig say something about a run, so he then makes another promise. I will exercise today.

By the time its lunch and he's with Arthur he can't remember what control means. He blames the strong scent of food and the uncontrollable hunger but regardless his first promise is always broken under an over-sized platter of food. Arthur always scoffs at the way he eats, telling him he'll choke one of these days on that truckload of food he gorges himself with. But he can't stop eating even with the insult the urge is too great. It all becomes a swirl of textures, taste, and smell that he can never remember by the time the bell rings. Arthur makes a remark but Alfred doesn't respond, the guilt constricting his lungs never lets him.

He always starts the second half of the day by asking to go to the bathroom because he always feels like he has food stuck onto his clothes and face. He imagines that he must look like the fat kid in the commercials, complete with the stains and crumbs. There is never anything on him and that brings relief but he looks so fat and his stomach feels so full, like a balloon with too much air and only seconds from bursting. He is ashamed to admit that he spend a good two minutes in a cold sweat as he stands before a toilet. He pours out his sins to the white bowl but never the contents in his stomach, as he's too afraid to bring a finger to his mouth. It's too drastic he tells himself and grasping onto the promise made earlier he adds on a second part. I'll work out extra hard to burn off all the calories. It's enough to calm him and allow him to run back to class.

But not enough to sooth the guilt and insecurity, it's why he spends the rest of the day attempting to hide. He doesn't feel like he deserves to be seen or heard. He's unsightly and horribly bloated. But of course it this time of day when he finds himself bumping into all kinds of people. Mathias perfect like Ludwig wants to trade gamer tags. Antonio, who is so handsome, wants to say hello even with Lovina angrily clinging to him. Gilbert, with awesome leaking from him and related so closely to Ludwig, wants to invite him to where crowds will be. So Alfred smiles and nods of course because it is the polite thing to do but he screams internally. How hideous he must look he thinks. Despite the extra trips to the bathroom he still feels like the disgustingly fat kid, especially when he talks to the good-looking. He tells himself to sooth his dismay that he will dress better tomorrow, maybe he think it'll be enough to cover the wreck that he is.

It's when school ends and either Gilbert or Arthur drags him off that he knows he's broken his second and third promise. He isn't going to workout because by the time Arthur tells him to leave or he escapes from Gilbert, there won't be enough time too. Not with homework and other things to be done. He could always leave but he hates the dejected looks Arthur and Gilbert give him. They make him feel like he's a terrible person.

Plus it's not like he doesn't enjoy the company of his friends because he really does. It's just aside from being time consuming, they both tug at his restrains, Gilbert with his armory of junk food and Arthur with his insistence on feeding him his latest concoction. "Live a little Alfred!" Gilbert tells him when he tries to express any self-restrain and "Just admit it you don't like it!" Arthur yells when he rejects a tray of food. So he eats and eats and finds himself stuck in an eating frenzy as the urge to consume returns. I've already messed up he tells himself, so I'll start tomorrow and in the moment he feels no guilt as he stuffs himself with the fatty foods that come so easily.

When he arrives home after an earful of Gilbert's troubles with Elizabeth or a lecture from Arthur about his stepbrother Frances he doesn't stop. Guilt has not yet caught up to him, and so he's in the kitchen fishing out the pancakes Matthew made, or the cupcakes, or cookies, or anything really. Then he eats even when he's already had too much with his friends because he's discouraged and nothing maters anymore, not until later at night when his stomach hurts and his mouth is sickly sweet anyway.

He showers after because somewhere in his mind he believes that maybe he can wash the fat away. His shower's he can admit aren't healthy as they're when the guilt starts to grow again and he spends an hour judging everything and anything. He looks at himself this way, that way, and pinches fat here and there. The guilt of the day's broken promises suddenly becomes too much and again he stands before the toilet pleading with himself. He's scared to throw everything up so he appeases himself with yet another promise, I won't eat anymore today.

Matthew enters the room, still sweating from hockey practice, at the same time he always does to tell Alfred dinner is ready. Matthew no longer mentions anything about showering so early but instead smiles at him. Alfred always takes this moment to look at the sibling everyone tells him he resembles so much. The boy is handsome he concludes every time, much more than he every was or will be. Matthew's muscular where he's not, considerate when he never is, and striking where he is lack luster. Yes he envies his younger brother. Matthew more than anyone else hurts him because he's of the same blood and still so perfect, living proof of Alfred as a failure. But he loves his brother so much regardless and that's enough to make Alfred forget everything, pull himself together and answer after the pause both of them have grown accustomed to. "I'll be down in a minute"

He eats alone for the first 20 minutes as Matthew runs to get cleaned up. He eats feverishly, angry about breaking his promise so fast. Matthew breaks the trance however as he emerges shirtless, muscles flashing in Alfred's face as if taunting him, laughing at him for being so weak. His appetite is gone but Matthew always pours seconds into his dish while murmuring something about their parents being away again and Alfred doesn't have the heart to say no. So he eats again and talks with his brother all the while withering away as he notices the way his brother muscles flex when the younger boy laughs. He's ashamed, isn't he suppose to be the role model?

He says good night not only to Matthew, but to the Porcelain bowl as well after he manages to restrain himself from upchucking everything he regretted eating with a promise. Tomorrow I will be better.

He feels disgusting as he gives himself a final glance in the mirror before turning out the lights. He swears he feels his body jiggling as he marches to his bed. He lays down closes his eyes and his final thought before drifting off to sleep is tomorrow will be different.

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He wakes the next day and tells himself that, today I will have control.

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A/N: So I'm not sure if I should continue this or just leave it as a one shot...please let me know what you guys think.


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